Archive for the ‘Old thoughts’ Category

Unspoken

Posted: July 20, 2009 in Old thoughts
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“All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us.” — The Wonder Years

You may have never known
my inner feelings
the one that I’ve been keeping
it is there, you can’t see it
but you just can feel it.
when I saw you I admit
I had not like you a bit
for I have some doubts
but when I met you
I finally realized that all these doubts
would lead to love but in some instances
that love again leads to doubts
I only wish that maybe someday
I would find a love
that needs no doubt
for up to now for me
You’re still a mystery…

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This was mine!

Posted: May 15, 2009 in Old thoughts
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Go back in time for at least a decade. A debutant close friend of mine asked me to composed a poem to put in her invation card as sort of a present. While the words ‘yes’ passed through my lips my brains are scanning for inspiration
to make this happen. I pictured myself banging my head on the wall. How can you put words into something that dont really give out emotions? I mean, how many lines you can write as far as being a debutant is concerned? But then again, my friend is special and im willing to move mountains for her.

She’s doing the whole nine yards, cottilion and all. Me – I passed my being eighteen just throwing a party and that’s it!Nevertheless, I pull my acts together and  manage to create one and gave it her. She was happy and all is well…Until one day she inquired if the poem is orginal. ‘I can provide you the scratch’ was my only reply. She explained that she saw the same  thing in some printing shop which also copied her patterns for her invitation card.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. I’m staking my claim on this one because i accomplished it. Even this means only crap to you, this is mine! All mine!      

Now I look back
to a path I once tracked.
And as I reflect upon the past
I recall the destiny i once casts.
I have come to this world as a gift of love
Walked through childhood and learned the values of life
I fought the struggles
And was rewarded for winning.
I suffered the pains of losing
when times are too tiring.
All along I never had andy doubt
There’s so much to be thankul about
to God to which this life i owe,
to my parents who guide me as i grow,
and all the friends I came to know
Through thick and thin
however rocky the road it may seems
life had been good, better and worst
Yet, they were there when I needed them most.
However yesterday turned out to be
It will always be a part of my life, a treasured memory
Though I know I still havent gone that far
This is just the beginning, a new start.
I’m starting a new chapter, turning a new page
ready to live my life on a different stage
like a butterfly emerged from its cocoon
I now face the world… a lady that has bloomed.

Sound advice

Posted: May 14, 2009 in Old thoughts
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It was a Friday morning lying in bed in my room staring at the ceiling while listening to the radio. A letter was being read, the writer still clings to an old lover, a classic case of meeting someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.

There are lots of whys and could have beens as a result of a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I never heard how it started. Maybe, just that one day she look at the person and saw something more than she did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere, and the person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person she can ever imagine herself with. Or just as crazy as, somebody walked into the room that moment, just like every other moment except this time her heart skipped a beat. Imagine, One stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you or kissed you or simply, just walked into a room, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. We don’t always recognize the moment love begins, but we always recognize the moment it ends. When this happens you will realize that though love is like heaven, it can hurt like hell.

 Most of the time we asked ourselves why is happiness so elusive? Every day we are in constant search of the things that will bring joy and contentment in our lives. Sometimes we find love only to lose it in the end and when we failed miserably our hearts cry with bitterness trying to find answers for endless questions. You have failed but it doesn’t mean the end of the world we have to realize that when we open our hearts to love there will always be the risk of getting hurt, there’s always a chance of falling flat in our faces. Let the pain you feel make you stronger, don’t give up and have the courage to keep on searching for  the love that will one day fill the empty longing of your heart Even if striving to find it may mean getting hurt again. Its true, having love then failed is better than not having loved at all because those who loved and failed learned, and those who are afraid to love lived in darkness and loneliness everyday of their lives. Be strong, you will find what you’re looking for in time. You just have to believe. Remember only those who are not afraid to take a chance again are only those who discover the love and happiness that they have failed to find.  They are not the ones who cried in self pity but they are those who stood up and try it again…

 

Missive

Posted: May 13, 2009 in Old thoughts
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Missive \Mis”sive\,(mis′iv)a. [See Missive, n.] -a letter or written message

Back to the time when emails or SMS is yet to be discovered, we exchange letters.  I grew up in an environment where giving and swapping letters is almost a daily scenario.  When words just cannot be expressed, and you can’t tell it to someone’s face … just send a missive and be heard.

The aim was to put across what you want to convey because the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings- words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out

Once in a while, you will receive a letter that will blow you away -I had my share. This letter was received by a close friend of mine, in our young minds this really took home the cake…  

Someday… perhaps, when I develop the courage and intensity of desire to grow as a person I will spill all the contents of my mind and my heart to you. It may even be that I have already done so. But still you know only a little about my personality. I really wanted to say my thoughts to you to tell you about my judgment and values, to expose to you my fears and shames, and to share my feelings before I can really be sure. Definitely, dishonesty will find its way to haunt and trouble us. So it’s better to say things that may truly hurt than trying to deceive each other, we will have to tell things at times that will be difficult for us to share…we have no choice, and if we want to reach the essence of commitment, we must be ready to accept each other simply for what we are and practice mutual honesty and openness. However, if I’m seeking a real and authentic relationship is totally uncalled for -Do something I’m not perfect and I admit that I’m simply not matured enough to face responsibilities…so you also have to help me. I want a real relationship – let’s say a special bond that will not hinder me to grow as a person I have experienced more of life, I have encountered depth in those I loved…I suffered and been hurt. I’m more careful right now for I’m trying to avoid those things to happen to me again… and also to you.

Notes from 1994

Posted: May 13, 2009 in Old thoughts
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Spending my time back home, I came across this old journal of mine. Flipping the tattered pages and crunching all the words that was written there made me smile and dumbfounded. Reason being most of the names are coded. Afraid that my siblings will get their hands on it and used the information against me, I put codename to some persons and while reading it now , even I, cannot decode it. Apart from all that events and incidents that took place day-to-day, my journal contains lyrics of the songs I loved, poems I made, poems I copied, list of movies I watched and quotes that I scribbled down simply because it has struck a chord.  This is the only journal that I had, the only diary that I follow through with my daily activities and emotions, the next year I attempted to do it again but it was futile. Pages of that journal are blank and neglected.

I should have kept a yearly journal. I should have forced myself to jot down every thought, every sad and exciting moment of my life. Describe in details who I met, who touched my life and those who simply just pass me by. Though reading it in the future (now), would mean the emotion are meaningless or reduced, though reading it will just makes me dumbfounded or confused. Still, I should have at least captured every moment and took the time to just note it.

Excerpts from my journal… words have lost their meaning  and all that i am left with  are distant memories and echoes in the wind..

What matters most in life

In your mind you keep asking why
You know you ask too many questions
We’ve only in a borrowed time
And for me you don’t have to know all the reasons
What matters most in life isn’t why
But simple things like when one holds your hands
When you’re assured that there’s someone who cares
Who makes you feel special in so many ways

Why do we keep wanting for more in life?
And we keep looking  but we dont know what to find
We have so much but are never content
We cant explain the emptiness we have inside
Lonely and lost are what we feel sometimes
Feeling incomplete we just cant understand
Why we want to have something’s not meant for us?
Why we have to love what never cant be ours?

What matters most in this life isnt why
Just live your life, give the best that you can
Somewhere along the way we’ll find in time
We can feel complete without asking why.